Beryl Joffre (the pHANTASY pHARMACIST)


Hey there! Welcome to the Phantasy Pharmacy. Picking up your player prescriptions today? Well it looks like these are all new to your team so we should discuss some of the possible side effects that you may experience while using these players in your lineups. I know they seem exciting and shiny now and some of them even come with a really cheap copay, but all players carry risk of leaving you feeling their ill effects if you aren’t careful. Be sure to use them appropriately or you may get a burning sensation instead of that warm fuzzy feeling.

 RX#: QB17

Drug Name: Josh Allen

So it looks like you decided to get cute and go super late at QB for this startup team. Good call on the overall strategy. Young QB with no competition behind him, and we all love the “Rushing QB” baseline. You and your physician must have seen how he finished off last season and gotten hopeful that he would be the affordable answer to your QB woes. Week 12 on he was a fantasy points machine.

But let’s be clear, his accuracy issues are still a thing. In that same wondrous stretch he still averaged a 51.8% completion percentage which was just below his 52.8% on the season. And let’s not pretend that his WR corps really made a huge improvement with all their upgrades this off-season. We saw how John Brown operated with a run first QB with accuracy issues in the Lamar Jackson experiment last season. We also can’t expect Cole Beasley to be his savior as Allen’s short range accuracy issues are also fairly well documented.

You’re going to want to balance this quarterback out with someone in the same ADP range that provides more stability at the position. Age may be your friend in this instance, say a nice dose of Philip Rivers or Drew Brees. Just be aware that if you roll with Allen as your lone option you may experience fits of anxiety and depression as he rollercoasters his way through the season.


RX#: WR84

Drug Name: Antonio Brown 

(generic for Mr. Big Chest)

This one has been around for a while and it’s definitely one of the best selling WRs on the market for a long time. But just because something is popular and has a good success rate doesn’t mean it’s always a good choice. Besides the delusions of grandeur and bouts of erratic behavior this one also carries a risk of projectile dysfunction.

There is no denying that this blonde moustache has taken a major step down in QB prowess. Fewer attempts per game, shallower average depth of target, and a big drop off in TD production. Add to that the fact that Brown isn’t getting any younger. He “crazied” himself off the team just like he wanted, but almost anywhere he landed would have spelled an overall downgrade for his potential productivity.

This one can definitely cause bouts of ADP regret characterized by kicking yourself for grabbing him when better options were still on the board.

 RX#: RB22

Drug Name: Derrick Henry

Looks like you’ve been diagnosed with a severe Vitamin-RB deficiency so you went out and bought some Derrick Henry to try to compensate. Yes, yes I saw the Jacksonville game. We all did. Yes he should have had at least one more touchdown, I know. But the fact is he actually has an entire career we should look at, not just a few games.

The fact is, it was really only 2 games. He only broke 100 yards in two games all season. He had zero touchdowns the first 6 games of the year but ended up with 12 on the year. Half of those came in 2 games. Regression is coming like a migraine headache, and a headache is exactly what Henry is going to be for you. He still isn’t going to be involved in the receiving game, and as we have seen recently running backs that can’t catch have a bad time remaining consistent week to week. He will leave you with game flow issues, poor TD numbers versus what you were expecting, and probably indigestion when you have trouble trading him for value mid-season.

Thanks for stopping by the Phantasy Pharmacy. I hope you found everything you were looking for. Remember to swallow your pills no matter how bitter they are. You brought this on yourself.

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